Who are the Ranters? They’re Stadium Rant’s own writers, editors and creators. Behind the scenes we’ve got an internal channel called The Water Cooler where we talk sports (and a whole lot of trash) all day long. Every take in The Rant Report comes straight out of that channel, from real people on our team, with their names on it.
Week 5 gave us a tie nobody wanted, Drake Maye finding himself again, a 57-yard walk-off in London and Marvin Harrison Jr. finally getting moved. Here’s where the Ranters landed.
1. The Tie Nobody Wanted: Giants 27, Commanders 27
Nothing lit up The Water Cooler more than this one. Nothing even came close.
What happened: The Giants trailed 27-13 with under eight minutes left before Jameis Winston threw two fourth-quarter touchdowns to force overtime. Malik Nabers had his best game since last year’s ACL tear: 11 catches, 121 yards and the game-tying score. Then the chaos started. Kicker Dominic Zvada missed from 50, 57 and 46 yards, the last one in overtime. Cam Skattebo fumbled deep in Washington territory with the Giants lined up for a chip-shot win. Then Washington, out of timeouts, drove into range and let the clock hit zero before it could kick. Dan Quinn spiked his headset and took the blame afterward.
The Water Cooler reacts:
Steven Poss summed up the Giants fan experience perfectly: they could have and should have won, but could have and should have lost too, so it’s “kind of a win, kind of an L.” The part that stung most? Skattebo was “the one guy I trusted not to” fumble. Steven also thinks the Giants would be 5-0 right now if Jaxson Dart were healthy.
Cameron Willey forgives Zvada for missing a 57-yarder in the rain but called the 46-yard OT miss inexcusable. He says his brain is “a broken record” every week telling him it’d be an easy win with Dart. Still, he credits John Harbaugh for the 3-1-1 record, saying he’s turned the Giants into the Ravens: a team that wins gritty games even with a backup QB. He’s also all in on the young defense, calling Abdul Carter “a demon.”
Tyler Lamb called the Commanders’ ending a fireable offense for Dan Quinn: just kick the field goal with 10 seconds left. His verdict on the Giants side: “Full on Jameis experience.”
William Rich pointed out Washington blew a 14-point fourth-quarter lead and the game in OT, and thinks Quinn is “definitely on his way out.”
Timothy Sullivan dropped a gem from one of his coworkers: a tie is “like kissing your sibling.”
The context: Dart suffered a season-ending knee injury back in Week 2 against the Rams, which handed the job to Winston. Despite that, the Giants still sit above .500 after five weeks.
2. Drake Maye Is Back: Patriots 45, Raiders 17
What happened: Maye threw for 374 yards on 26-of-34 passing with four touchdowns, ran for a fifth score, and didn’t turn the ball over once. That matters because he had nine turnovers in the first four games. He was sacked only once against a Raiders front led by Maxx Crosby. New England put up a season-high 536 yards without top receiver Mack Hollins and both starting corners, Christian Gonzalez and Carlton Davis III. Maye also became the first Patriots QB with back-to-back three-TD passing games since Tom Brady in 2018. New England is now 3-2.
What the Ranters said:
Tyler Lamb says Maye “assaulted the Raiders in Gillette,” and argues that if Maye hadn’t stumbled in Week 1, the Pats would be 4-1. His bigger take: if New England gets to 5-2 heading into the bye with its injured guys coming back, “that would be pretty dangerous.” He’s also already counting down to the Jets game.
Steven Poss kept it simple: “Pats finally playin nice.”
Cameron Newton admits he likes to laugh at the Maye discourse, but it was good to see him back in his groove. He thinks a returning A.J. Brown could be huge.
Cameron Willey says the Pats should have a better record and finds it encouraging that Maye is figuring it out now and not in Week 11.
On the Raiders side, Willey expected Vegas to keep it competitive after a strong start. Tyler thinks it was a bad matchup, with Crosby “kinda invisible” and the secondary getting cooked as a result.
3. London Calling: Jaguars 19, Eagles 17
What happened: Philly took a 17-16 lead on a Jake Elliott 48-yard field goal with 8 seconds left. Instead of a touchback, the Eagles kicked it short, and Ameer Abdullah returned it 53 yards to leave 1 second on the clock. Cam Little then drilled a 57-yarder at the gun, with a backup long snapper, no less. Nick Sirianni took responsibility for the kickoff decision afterward. The Eagles rushed for just 22 yards on the day, while Jalen Carter had two sacks and two forced fumbles in a losing effort.
The Ranters weigh in:
Jc Kirk liked the defense and thought the offense was fine considering how many starters were out, but called the special teams “abysmal.” His question: why not kick it into the end zone for a touchback when the Jags had been ripping off big returns all game?
Timothy Sullivan agreed. He says the odds of Jacksonville getting into field goal range from a touchback with 8 seconds left were basically zero, and he put the return squarely on the gunner.
William Rich offered a theory: the Cowboys took a touchback recently and still let the Ravens reach field goal range in one play, so maybe Philly was scared of that.
Cameron Willey just enjoyed it: the Eagles loss “brings me joy.” He also crowned the Jags London’s unofficial team, which tracks, since they stay overseas to face Houston at Wembley next week.
4. Marvin Harrison Jr. Is a Texan
What happened: After days of reports that Arizona was finalizing a deal with an unnamed team, the Cardinals sent Harrison and a 2027 seventh-round pick to Houston for 2027 second- and sixth-round picks, pending a physical. The No. 4 pick in 2024 had just five catches for 85 yards and a touchdown in four games this year. He reunites with his Ohio State quarterback, C.J. Stroud, on a Texans team that just got its first win to move to 1-4.
The trade takes:
Alex Villasis couldn’t believe insiders were running the “traded” graphic before anyone knew where he was going. Terrence Edwards: “MHJ is getting traded. That’s all we need to know right now apparently.”
Nolan Brooks was surprised the Chiefs apparently thought a second and a sixth was too expensive.
William Rich disagreed. KC needs a receiver, but if you’re giving up a second-rounder, he wants a proven player. In Houston, if Harrison doesn’t pan out, there’s enough receiver depth to survive. In Kansas City, it’d be a disaster.
Jackson Ingle doesn’t think Harrison is worth it, since the buyer is just betting it can “make him legit again.” As a Colts fan, he’d rather keep the picks for the next GM and head coach.
5. “Who Are You?” Mike Evans and the 5-0 49ers
What happened: San Francisco won 32-29 in Seattle against the defending champs to move to 5-0, their third 5-0 start under Kyle Shanahan. Mike Evans had seven catches for 113 yards and a touchdown. He also produced the viral moment of the week: after jawing with Trevon Diggs, he spun Diggs around to read the name on his jersey. Evans later insisted he honestly didn’t recognize him, and Richard Sherman said he wished he’d thought of it.
Ranter reactions:
Timothy Sullivan asked mid-game whether San Francisco is the best team in football, then briefly feared he’d jinxed it. His Evans review: “taking it back to 2018.”
Cameron Willey was mid-type on a “Purdy looks like an MVP” message when the Seahawks rallied, and was glad he didn’t hit send. On the Diggs moment: “diabolical work.”
Travis Petty Jr. called the 49ers and Jaguars “arguably the two most complete teams in the NFL.”
Mason Beck has one request: please, no Chiefs in the Super Bowl.
6. Thursday Night Football: Buccaneers 24, Cowboys 16
What happened: Winless Tampa Bay, starting rookie Jalon Daniels with Baker Mayfield out, went into Arlington and won as more than a touchdown underdog. Dak Prescott threw for 316 yards but had two interceptions, KaVontae Turpin fumbled a kickoff return, and boos rained down at AT&T Stadium. Dallas falls to 2-3.
The Water Cooler verdict:
Lee Shipley formally requested an article on just how bad the Cowboys are. (Noted, Lee.)
Tyler Lamb said Dallas looked like the worst, most expensive franchise in sports history.
Cameron Willey called it a gross loss and said the defense is horrendous.
Around the Water Cooler: Quick Hits
Is it just us, or is everyone hurt?Steven Poss asked whether there are more injuries than usual this season. Cameron Willey agreed it’s been unreal. Tyler Lamb blames no preseason and lighter gear, plus turf. Cameron Newton: the groins and hamstrings are out in full force this year.
Blitz everything.Cameron Willey says Brian Flores blitzed about 90% of the time and called him a maniac. Cameron Newton noted Aaron Glenn did the same to the Browns and warned it’ll be a real problem for most of the league if DCs keep it up.
Sunday Night Football: Michael Penix Jr. left with a rib injury late, and Tua Tagovailoa was picked by Kyle Hamilton in overtime as the Ravens won 30-23. Soor Vora coined “Tua Turntheballova.” Cameron Willey figures Penix breathed a massive sigh of relief.
The Mood Meter
Team
Ranter mood
In a word
Giants
Proud of the fight, haunted by “what if Dart”
Tortured
Commanders
Clock-management disbelief
Meltdown
Patriots
Believing again
Rising
Raiders
Confused after a strong start
Exposed
Eagles
Special-teams rage
Self-inflicted
Jaguars
London’s team
Clutch
49ers
Best team in football?
Juggernaut
Cowboys
Rock bottom
Embarrassed
Hottest Take of the Week
Travis Petty Jr.: Jaguars vs. 49ers in the Super Bowl. We’ll check back on this one in a month.
